Why Acceptance is the key to freedom

​
During one of my more difficult moments, when I felt overwhelmed by anxiety, I recall having a session with Bronwyn. She was quiet as I unleased my pain and gulped on my tears. “This is not me,” I cried. “I can’t be like this…”
Calmly, she said. “What would happen if you accept yourself, Sonia?”
I was horrified! “Accept? No way! How can I accept myself this way?”
I could still hear her voice to this day as she answered, “I will tell you what would happen if you accept yourself… you will recover.”
*
How could I? To accept myself the way I was feeling… anxious, nervy, riddled with all the symptoms of an anxiety disorder and feeling so different to everyone else… would be the LAST thing I wanted to do. And it seemed an impossible task to me. For me, I felt that self-acceptance would mean that I was relinquishing control. The thought that I no longer would need to ‘fight’ my experience was terribly frightening. I wanted to be in control, stay on to top of it, and conquer this by pushing my way past, with my anger, if you will. I couldn't see that in actual fact, giving up control would mean victory.  
*
I felt that I was working hard at the recovery, and putting in the work that was required… I was meditating, practising mindfulness, I was letting thoughts go and challenging others. As I moved through the process I felt as though I was making some progress, but I never felt quite there, and there was a general feeling of unease inside of me, for which I couldn't understand why.
*
Bronwyn knew why and she was waiting for me to see that realisation. That no matter how much work you put in to yourself with all the therapies and tools you learn, it will mean nothing in the end if you hold yourself at an arm’s length away or if you despise and blame yourself. It would be like telling another, “I am here for you, I want to see you grow/improve/develop, I will help you… but please don’t get too close because I really don’t like you.” How would that sound? That person would run the other direction and put up an almighty resistance to any help you offer them. And that is the same for the way in which we treat us. We can not lie to ourselves... ever... you can try, but deep down you know the truth. And if you feel blame/anger/resentment towards yourself because of what you are going through, then you will be bashing your head against the recovery wall.
*
It's so easy to read delightful poetry and mantras that talk about self-acceptance but the hard bit is putting it into practise. Why? Because if we accept ourselves in whatever moment we are in, in however way we are feeling; if we accept our emotions, our perceived failures and shortcomings… then we are saying to ourselves “I am good enough...I am a human...I am imperfect..." And for many people, this is far from the truth that they feel deep within.
*
Self-acceptance does not mean you have to agree with or even like your experience. Self-acceptance does not mean self-love either. Who wants an anxiety disorder, or depression, or struggles in life? It will be terribly insincere to walk around saying "I feel great... I love myself..." when in fact you don't. I believe self-acceptance is owning your experience, to let go of the blame you place upon yourself and the hatred; to say these crucial words.. "THIS IS ME FOR NOW...not forever, but for now." And give yourself a break - having depression, anxiety or any pain or struggles in life, can be terribly frightening and difficult and is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is what it is. Does it mean you have to live with it and there are no other options? Absolutely NO! But can you begin to accept yourself so that you can trust yourself enough to work through it and power on? Absolutely YES! 
*
Self-acceptance does not come easy, and it certainly didn't come easy for me. You need to work at it like everything else. The more you exercise it, the more naturally it will come. At times I can still find it a challenge. But I know that the self-hatred and blame took me nowhere, and I can see clearly that I have a choice -  to go down the spiral or look up towards peace and freedom.