Sometimes it's just too hard to love yourself

Before I found the right help, I clutched desperately to any advice. ‘Just love yourself,’ was one. ‘Everyday say to the mirror, I love you, and give the mirror a kiss.’
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So I did exactly that, I kissed the cool mirror but inside what I really I wanted was to jam my fist into the glass. How was I ever going to feel anything but hate or at the least resentment at myself for not being who I wanted me to be... ‘stronger’ than this, better than this, ‘happier’ than this?
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The way I saw it, I was causing me, misery. It would be like trying to switch on love feelings for someone who was causing your life hell. No easy task. Well meaning advice to love oneself can create a deeper feeling of hopelessness when those expectations to feel this emotion are not met. We see those motivation captions everywhere but what does it really mean?
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“Don’t believe that love nonsense,” my therapist had told me. She was great like that. Really real. “Start with CARE...simply care for yourself,” she added. “You’re on the right track by seeking help with me aren’t you?”
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It made sense. Care enough that you can stand up for yourself or say NO if you need to. Care enough to take a break, do something for yourself, or follow a passion. Care enough for yourself to live in a healthy way. Care enough to ignore the negative and abusive self thoughts that try and hold you back. Care enough to seek help. “And if you do all these things... how can the love not naturally grow?”
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It doesn’t have to be massive changes or giant leaps, it’s all in the little things you do. Build on those little decisions until you feel ready to tackle bigger ones or make life changes. *
To be honest, I even found the care bit hard. I was extremely hard on myself and I cared very little for myself. It was a big roadblock for me. Until I was able to find out exactly why I was so hard on myself, why I couldn’t give myself a chance and why I blamed myself so much, I really wasn’t getting anywhere. So yes it’s not as easy as being ‘your own best friend’ for a lot of people. Good advice, but as always you need to have a closer look at all those roots beneath to understand why the tree doesn’t grow 🌺