I was deeply saddened this week to hear of a few suicides. Some people may view this as a ‘cop out’ or a selfish act. For me, it is a reminder of how extremely crippled I felt when I had an anxiety disorder. How, although thankfully just the thought of self-harm was terrifying for me, I can see why anyone would feel that this would be the only way to escape the sheer hell that one feels.
It’s difficult to fathom how debilitating depression or chronic anxiety can be. How much of a changed person you feel you have become. How it totally affects your behaviour, your words, and crushes your sense of self. And how just living day to day, going to work, placing one step in front of the other can be an enormous effort.
You feel lonely and isolated. You feel hopeless and DIFFERENT to everyone else. We think others are allowed to have these illnesses and we can empathise with them and “forgive” them.. but us… no this is not us… we are “stronger” that that.
Continuously denying your experience, no matter how horrid it is, is the very thing that keeps it there... and then makes it worse. Accepting that this is you for now is the first key to recovery. No-one needs to live like this. It is not meant to be a way of being nor is it just part of a person’s make. You should no longer say “this is just the way I am” or “I’ve learned to live with it.”
It is dis-ease of mind and emotions. And it doesn’t matter what brought you to this time (from life stresses to life challenges), anxiety can be a sign that something is amiss in your life. That Enough is Enough. That your thought pattern is unhealthy or destructive. It maybe highlighting that you need to put yourself first for once.
Perhaps you are trying too hard to do everything perfectly or trying too hard to be all things to all people. Do you see yourself as the “go to” person, the one that fixes everything, or do you place upon yourself unreasonable responsibility or guilt?
These are usually the ones that suffer the most. The ones that have been too strong for too long.
Let this be your year for change.
In my experience a good reliable therapist is paramount for support in recovery. Find one. And take back the power