I had no intention of writing. I certainly didn’t ‘feel’ like it.
When I was suffering from an anxiety disorder, part of the recovery process was to try and find ‘me’... through the realisation of a passion or dream that perhaps I had previously felt unable to reach for. I mentioned to my therapist that I enjoyed writing when I was younger, back when I dreamed of writing a novel. I was told to start with that, to look into a writing course, or just simply pick up a pen and write.
I didn’t feel like it. There was nothing stopping me other than the fact that I hadn’t written for so long and I felt that I didn’t know if I could. I felt unskilled and I wasn’t even excited by the thought. But one thing I knew, was that back then, I loved it.
So I enrolled in an evening course and on the first day, I became lost getting there, was almost an hour late; and when I did find the place, I called my husband from the carpark and told him I wanted to come home. He encouraged me to stay.
I entered the classroom late, feeling left out from the class that had bonded in previous courses, brought the wrong writing tools and I vowed that I would see the night out and never return.
I did return and when given writing tasks for homework, I felt burdened by them. But over time, I felt that I was enjoying it again, and slowly it was becoming more exciting for me rather than just a feeling that I had to do it. The old passion came back and I’m so very grateful that I pushed through.
If I waited until I ‘felt’ like I wanted to write, I would never have done so. Sometimes we need to give it a nudge.
So how do you know then, what goal to reach when it is not a clear yearning or perfect ‘feeling?’ It was suggested to me in this case, then go for a wish or a dream that you had when you were young (because really that’s when the best dreams were, before we knew ‘too much’) Or go towards that little inkling or tiny voice inside. It doesn’t need to be strong. It just needs to be soft enough to dust off those thoughts that weigh you and that dream down. And if it’s not your thing in the end, then at least you know you gave it a go, and that in itself is a great thing 🌺